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19 kinds of girls who bruise my soul

By João Lopes Marques (Eesti keeles)

There was a time, not too long ago, I believed I had become a misogynous guy. False. I wasn’t. Then I started fearing I was slightly gynophobic. Nope. I was just afraid to bump into another stupid girl. It wasn’t easy to understand it but 10 or 15 years later I realize I’m just too sensitive to 19 specific species of women. Indeed, I can even turn intolerant in presence of one of them. Such a phenomenon can be either personal taste or old trauma, I know. However, I don’t care anymore. I just confess the following kind of females have the power to bruise my soul:

1- The hologram girl

You think everything is fine, that that closeness is real, and you stretch your arm. Of course you wanted more and she let you play that game. For a week. A month. Sometimes even for years. Helàs! Now you understand you were living in a dream. “Why did she give me so many wrong signs”, you wonder; “João, I’ve seen you always as a very good friend”, she states.

2- The drink-for-free girl

This is a sensitive topic since there are many reasons why you are paying her drinks. Most of the times is because we men have a very horizontal interest. Yes, it takes two to tango and both are playing a game. Nevertheless, be extremely cautious every time she goes for the most expensive cocktail in the list. That’s a terrible sign.

3- The hidden-boyfriend girl

“Why didn’t she tell me she had a boyfriend?”, one asks after two months flirting with a certain idea. Yes, she was playing a double game always justified by her sentence “I really like you, João, but I am already engaged...” Not easy to digest: she was testing me and I lost for another man. Believe me, we men hate to lose a competition.

4- The obsessive-mother girl

This is an easy one to define, especially if she is always showing you the baby picture in the wallet: beware of these girls, you’ll be always number two. Or number three. Or number four, according to how many children she has from previous relationships. It’s hard to live other people’s world as if it was ours.

5- The last-minute-changed-plans girl

This specific species has the habit to send you a SMS 45 minutes before the meeting. When you are already heading to the restaurant. Usually she justifies the fact she changed plans with a) having to baby sit her nephew; b) having sudden temperature; c) an important university exam next day; or d) having forgot she had made another appointment with her best friend at the same time.  

6- The über-rational girl

She is testing you in the smallest details. Everything is a sign, everything you say has to be 100 percent coherent. First she criticizes you underlining the week before you had said the very same sentence with an different nuance; then she apologizes the next day she’ll have to get to work at 07:00. Bye-bye.

7- The overly-nationalistic girl

The second meeting you understand you don’t have any chances. Maybe she is not fully aware of the power of her sentence: “Of course I’d prefer to have an Estonian family!” So what is she doing there in the bar right in front of me? Pure curiousity? Anthropology?

8- The girl who doesn’t stop biting her nails

As an anxious person, I must admit, biting nails in front of me makes me nervous. Makes me even think that I should never bite my own nails. More importantly, I favour ten well-cared finger tips — but without gel, please: that frees a little bit my pornographic instinct and I just start thinking about Pamela and calendars.

9- The girl who wants to re-arrange your life

She knows it all. What’s good and bad for you. As if a miracle had happened, she has this acute sense of direction and you must obey: “João, you should go to bed earlier and start writing in the morning, it’s much healthier for you” or “Sorry, João, but striped shirts suit you much better”.

10- The non-assumed-or-obsessively-jealous girl

Jealousy is not necessarily bad. It shows that somebody has feelings about you. However, there are women who don’t acknowledge the fact — or hide it in a pernicious way. They tend to end up violating your email account or double checking all SMS your received in your mobile phone (usually while one is jogging).

11- The girl who plays too much with her body

She thinks in terms of package: two tattoos, a very visible piercing in her tongue and indiscreet cleavage. Sexy? Of course. But why such a pathological need to play with her body? “Well, I’m just a very physical person, João...”

12- The girl who prefers cigarettes over me

The chat is great and adrenaline rises. You are excited with the topic, climax is coming and... And she stands up and shoots: “I’m going outside for a cigarette.” You can’t believe she is leaving that very moment but accept those expected five minutes alone. Unfortunately, they turn 15 minutes, when she re-enters the café and apologizes for the delay: “Sorry, I just met two Norwegian guys outside. They were also smoking and they were really cool!” In fact, this proves my personal theory: when you are desperately looking for a cigarette, everybody is friendly.

13- The too-extremely-sporty girl

She doesn’t take alcoholic drinks. She just eats fresh salads. She goes to the gym and can’t meet you during the week. She goes to bed at 21:45 even in Summer. She notices your abdominals aren’t in shape. She says she likes you though she proposes a date in three weeks: “I just can’t before Tartu Marathon, João.”

14- The sophisticated-lawyer girl

The thing that irritates me most are the too serious glasses and the impecable French-cut tailleur. Life for her is a huge code full of boring articles and Latin aphorisms. We tend to stick the latter ones but that’s obviously insufficient: “Video meliora proboque, deteriora sequor.”

15- The girl who’s fueled by drama

Drama is drama, and vice-versa. To avoid.

16- The gucci-vuitton-chihuahua girl

She cares about image and she can be really sexy. One can even tolerate so many brands covering her body and the barbie look. Yes, we can indulgent — till the moment we see a small chihuahua’s head coming out the Louis Vuitton bag.

17- The silicone-valley-botox girl
As my friend Mário says, our Greco-Roman and Christian-Jewish heritage is very mammal. Most Western men love a firm bust. Yet I have my serious doubts about oversized lips — it just reminds me a sex doll.

18- The girl with the annoying laugh

Laugh is an art. There isn’t anything in the world so genuine and spontaneous. It reveals the soul of a person. That’s why I get scared when I hear a girl laughing as a lorry driver (Oh-oh-oh-oh) or like a Teletubbie (Hi-hi-hi-hi). Nothing better than a frank Ha-ha-ha-ha, or even a slightly cynical Eh-eh-eh-eh. In case you aren’t able to comply with such rule, play the Mona Lisa: a shy and intriguing smile can be quite charming.   

19- The girl too concerned with her cats (or plants)

Being more dogs, I mistrust girls who love cats. I explain: a woman must be slightly feline and a feline should never love another feline. It seems to me that this a compensation mechanism adopted by women who don’t feel feline enough. Then they say they love cats. Yet there is something much more concerning: the girls who decline a 10-day holiday in a Greek island just because she didn’t find anyone to water her plants. And if I counter, if I try to convince her that at least the cactus in the kitchen will survive, she replies fiercely: “Hey, don’t you know plants also have sentiments?!”


sónia disse…
What a list!
Já cá morava uma ténue impressão de que serias, João, o escritor, um misógino a meio termo.
Assunto interessante para abordar na tua obra.
Não poderia estar mais de acordo com esta:
"18- The girl with the annoying laugh

Laugh is an art. There isn’t anything in the world so genuine and spontaneous. It reveals the soul of a person. That’s why I get scared when I hear a girl laughing as a lorry driver (Oh-oh-oh-oh) or like a Teletubbie (Hi-hi-hi-hi). Nothing better than a frank Ha-ha-ha-ha, or even a slightly cynical Eh-eh-eh-eh. In case you aren’t able to comply with such rule, play the Mona Lisa: a shy and intriguing smile can be quite charming."

Misógino ou não, machista ou um outro rótulo qualquer, ler-te é sempre viciante.

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Foi interessante (e interessante é uma palavra interessante). No dia em que saí à rua com suíças tive de regressar a casa com estas canadianas. Ou melhor: com as canadianas amparando-me a mim e às suíças. Felizmente que não são mutuamente exclusivas.